strange days, these days

on monday, i adopt a cat. his name is elizabeth taylor, but i'm going to call him albee.

tracy chapman, as confusing as she is to adolescent boys, should be sold in the produce aisle. she's as necessary as potatoes and bananas. it's like the goodness of the whole earth has been exhaled as music.

i don't understand key changes. something as complete as a chord, suddenly shifting completely different, but the same. so when i play guitar, i often stay in one key as long as possible. it's like i'm floating piece of the artic shelf that as broken off. and i don't want to jump to the next. i just want to drift in happy blue and white.

missing the people of home. missing people in general. staying busy, but having a hard time actually connecting. med adjustment? fuck that. a little bit of staying up late, pounding on a typewriter while the neighbors fuck each others' brains out- that's how i adjust my meds.

when i was a baby, and when i was a kid, i can't remember those things. my first memory is probably from when i was three or four years old. and they are sporadic after that until i was eight or nine. maybe this is normal. i think it must be. kids exist naturally, and are still part of the environments around them. why do you think they like ball pits so much? time moves differently for them. they almost never think about it. in fact, they probably don't even understand the concept of it. but as you grow up, it's taught to you. the idea of managing your life using time. and once you learn it, it never goes away. once the concept of death is introduced and understood, we begin to measure our lives differently. the past becomes supreme, and the future becomes sublime. we forget about the moment in between, the flash-second that is now, and how that is the only true existence we have. what we have, what we've done, and what we are going to do make absolutely no difference. they are created by us to preserve who we are. histories and futures are about as real as teenage mutant ninja turtles: innately, we understand their absurdity. but that doesn't stop us from making them the centers of our lives. (ok, so i don't know anyone who actually makes tmnt the center of his or her life, but i'm fairly certain that person exists, somewhere). there is a warped understanding of living in the moment that involves jumps out of airplane and canoe trips down the amazon. but all it really means is shedding the past a ceasing of forecasting the future.

jesus h. christ, i wrote too much about that.

going to bed now.