It was supposed to have been for a special occasion. I'm not superstitious, but I am. So here goes:
Putting things into motion...
A month or so ago, I picked out a nice bottle of wine, in anticipation of perhaps imbibing of it with someone specific. I realized as soon as I touched it that it was cursed, but I couldn't bring myself to not buy it... There was some sort of little monster in the bottle, and our conversation went like this:
Wine monster: Look at me! I'm really drinkable and you know I go well with chocolate and black and white movies! Hehehehehe!
Me: I like your label.
Wine monster: Take me home! What if she wants to come over tonight! You'll neeeeeed me!
Me: I'm not even sure she wants to come over.
Wine monster: Oh, she is so into you. She digs you. You know it.
Me: But maybe it was just one of those things?
At this point the Wine monster begins singing "It was just one of those things" and the old lady buying brandy gives me a funny look. I put the wine in the basket. It feels wrong.
Wine monster: Oooohhhhh yeah. She is so yours.
Me: Shut up.
I take the wine home. It sits on the shelf. And sits on the shelf. And gives me a hard time about everything. The date it was intended for never happens, and every night the wine monster sings me old songs... "just one of those things" "can't get started" "I don't stand a ghost of a chance with you", songs like that. So I stick him someplace where I can't hear him: under the bathroom sink.
The un-cursing
It is annoying to have a wine monster under your bathroom sink. Especially one that is suddenly going through a show tunes phase. Sondheim in the shower. Andrew Lloyd Weber while your brushing your teeth. So I decide it's time to un-curse this mother. So there were a few things I had to do.
Step 1: the people
It is impossible to un-curse a bottle of wine by yourself. Many have tried and many have failed. You just end up transferring the curse from the wine to your self. So you have to select a party with whom to drink. This is something that is intuitive. The people drinking the wine are divvying up the curse, weakening it by taking on a portion of it. It's like the reverse of inoculation. Inverse inoculation intoxication.
Step 2: the place
It was going to be my living room. I had no doubt about that. We put on some Dylan, because the wine monster didn't seem particularly fond of good music.
Step 3: the preparation
We were already a little bit drunk. Sort of like when old time doctors would give their patients a shot of whiskey before cutting of an appendage.
And then... you drink. The key to the drinking is that you have to enjoy it. It can't be sad or melancholy or bitter or jealous or anything like that. Drink, and enjoy, and the curse can't touch you.
So now, the next day, I am left wondering how well the curse is lifted. I have a little bit of a headache (understandable) and I have been humming "When You're a Jet" all morning. I'll check in with the others to see how they fared, but I think we may have been successful in our un-cursing.
...just one of those bells that now and then rings...
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2 comments:
I don't know what is more disturbing... the fact that you talked to wine in the grocery store, you kept it under your bathroom sink, or that you do all of this sober :) You should be glad I am your sister, meaning, I love you anyways
I, too, was disturbed by the part where you said you kept said bottle of wine under the bathroom sink.
In case you didn't know, most people would keep it in their kitchen or maybe a wine rack.
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