the strange case of the man who went to the theatre...

So, its panic time whenever I hear something unusual coming over the speakers in the lobby or house manager's office. For instance, the entire cast of The Women is made up of women (15 of them, playing 33 roles), so I should never hear a man's voice during the show. Last night, the cue'd up a ringing phone, and I hear a deep voice:
"Heeeeello? Mummble mubbble."
A few seconds later:
"Mummmmmble mumbumble..."
And then, simultaneously, an usher and two patrons are in the lobby with horrified looks on their faces. Over the radio, the SM calls me up and tells me that something strange is going on in the house. I am told three things: A patron is talking. A patron is touching other patrons. Something about a stabbing. I radio security. I go in the theatre. Halfway down the aisle, there is some sort fo commotion. I get down there to make sure no one is hurt. It doesn't take me long to figure out that the man talking to the actresses from row H is smashing drunk. AND I get the feeling that he is a rather dramatic chap when sober. Here we go (keep in mind that there is a show going on thirty feet away, so I'm trying to keep this as low-key as possible):
Me: Is anybody hurt?
Lady: That guy is crazy. He's drunk.
Me Is everyone ok?
Drunk man: Yesssss.
Lady: He grabbed us, but we're ok.
(Ok. No stabbing. Whew.)
Me: Let me move you ladies to different seats.
Lady: Are you going to put us in the back row?
(I reseat the two ladies from his row.)
Me: Excuse me sir, you're going to have to follow me to the lobby.
Drunk Man: No. I'm not...
Me: Yes, you are. We need to get you out-
Drunk Man: NO!
(At this point, security has entered, and about a dozen patrons have turned around and are glaring at the drunk man, telling him to shut up. He's getting angry.)
Irene (Security): Ok. Sir, we're going to take you out to the lobby.
(I sit next to him and he looks at me with a lot of anger.)
Drunk Man: I'm not going anywhere with HIM.
(Ok. I'm going to leave this up to Irene... for now. She gets him to be quieter, but he still won't follow her out. She waves to me and another security guard. The three of us literally have to carry him out of the theatre, as he decides to resist us completely. Jesus Christ, he is heavy.)

The Lobby
We drop him on the floor just outside of the theatre door, which is not sound proof. He won't move, he just lies there. He suddenly bursts into tears. Turns out he is suicidal. So now we have a drunk, weeping, suicidal, flamboyantly gay man on the floor of our lobby. Our security people and a very understanding patron (I thinks he was a nurse) talk to him, and hold his hand until the police arrive. I am writing this sort of tongue in cheek, but at the moment we were all feeling for the guy. Apparently he'd just been dumped, and his credit card debt was piling up. We've all felt those frustrations, but this guy had completely snapped. When the police got there, we all breathed a sigh of relief. A few minutes later, a younger man shows up, wondering where his friend went. Turns out they came to the theatre together, but the younger man, recognizing his friend's drunkness, had left the show to get the car so that they could leave. He was asking if I could retrieve his friend's bag, which he had left in the theatre, so the police wouldn't arrest him. So I went and got the "bag" which was actually a designer purse.

It was a strange, strange night. Sometimes I think that they don't pay me enough.